Broken
by lovelyMary
Summary: Some machines just come out of the factory broken and that's exactly how she felt, like a broken machine. Warning: Dark


A/N: This idea has been nagging me for months now so I just had to write this. This is the first time I've written anything quite this dark. 

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><p>Some machines just come out of the factory broken and that's exactly how she felt, like a broken machine. There was something fundamentally wrong with her. There had to be. It was the only way to explain why she kept repeating the same mistakes over and over.<p>

She knew when Sonny had asked her to marry him that it was too good to be true. They were poison together. No matter how much they claimed to love each other, getting back together was a mistake. They weren't the same people they had been fifteen years ago and even if they had been, their relationship had always been one huge fight interspersed with brief moments of happiness. She had foolishly let those moments convince her that they shared a love that was destined to conquer anything that stood in its way.

She couldn't help but let out a bitter laugh at her own stupidity. She had actually believed that Sonny would love her unconditionally but the fact was that Sonny only loved her on his terms, when it was convenient for him. She should have realized that unconditional love just wasn't in the cards for her. It never had been.

All she had ever wanted was to belong somewhere, to be important to someone. She was an outsider in her own family. Cast aside by an unfeeling father and abandoned by flighty mother. She grew up virtually alone, desperately trying to find her place in the world and clinging to every opportunity that brought her closer to feeling like she finally belonged. It was this desperation that was at the root of her worst mistakes. Blindly trusting anyone who showed her any sort of kindness and inevitably causing herself and those around her nothing but pain.

Lily and her unborn child had been the first casualties of this self-destructive pattern of behaviour. She had believed Sonny when he told her he loved her above all else and ignored the fact that he had been lying to her since the day they met. Although now that she thought of it the truth had been staring her in the face and she had simply refused to see it. She had been so enthralled by the fact that someone like Sonny had shown any interest in her to begin with that she had made it her mission to be with him any way possible even going so far as offering to be his mistress. Desperately holding on to any crumb of affection he was willing to throw her way and believing that even that was more than she deserved. Her persistence had paid off and it had cost him his wife and child. Two innocent lives lost because of selfishness.

And then there was Luis Alcazar. She still couldn't believe how gullible she had been. She'd actually let him convince her she was dying for four years. It didn't take long for Luis to become obsessed with her. She had honestly let herself believe that he genuinely cared about her. But all he wanted was to control her and eliminate anyone who stood in his way. She was the reason that the Alcazars came to Port Charles and ultimately responsible for the death and destruction they had brought to the only place she had truly felt at home. None had suffered more than the Quartermaines, the sweet and sometimes dysfunctional family that had taken her in and made her one of their own. They had lost both Alan and Emily to the violence brought on by the Alcazars and for that she would never be able to forgive herself.

This whole Balkan mess was just the latest and possibly the worst in her string of foolish choices that ended up hurting those she loved most. She couldn't believe how many people had been affected by the Balkan's vendetta against her. Dante had risked his career and his life in an effort to protect her. Lucky had nearly lost his life more than once and while she knew his involvement had nothing to do with her personally, she couldn't help but feel responsible just the same. His friend Siobhan had been kidnapped in an attempt to get to her and even Sam had put herself on the line more than once. And then there were all the guests at her latest non-wedding. Jason had been right, the wedding had given the Balkan the perfect opportunity to strike and he had.

It was painfully obvious to her now that they would all be much better off without her. On some level, she had always known this. It was the reason she stayed away for so long, cutting herself off from everyone she cared about. But fate had brought her back here; fate always found a way to bring her back and the result was always the same. But this time would be different; she would make sure of it.

This time there would be no coming back.

She knew that many would think that she was taking the coward's way out. And maybe she was, but she knew deep in her heart that this was the only way. No one should have to suffer because of her anymore. She'd caused more than enough damage.

So, while everyone was still recovering from the Balkan's latest attack, she was working on her own strategy. One she knew would finally put an end to all of this. After all, the only interest the Balkan had in Port Charles was her. Once she was gone, there would be nothing left for him here. He would move on and everyone could go back to living their lives.

Jason had insisted she return to the penthouse, his devotion to protect her unwavering even in the face of recent events. She fought him, of course, insisting she stay elsewhere but he was unrelenting and she reluctantly accepted knowing that if she pushed him too far he would get suspicious.

Ordering prescription drugs online was a lot easier than she thought it would be; the only problem was where to have them delivered. She couldn't have them sent to the penthouse because there was no way that the guards would allow her to accept the package without checking it first. So she set up a PO Box and had the package shipped there. All she had to do now was give Max and Milo the slip long enough for her to get it and considering all the experience she had ditching guards that wouldn't be much of a problem.

Everything was set.

Jason was spending the night at Sam's place and Spinelli was at the office working nonstop to find a lead on the Balkan.

It was now or never.

She carefully pulled out the bottle of painkillers she had ordered online and placed it next to the bottle of whiskey she'd swiped from Jason's liquor cabinet.

She sighed and took one last look around the room. Her pink room. She still couldn't believe that Jason had kept her room all this time. He always seemed to be looking out for her whether he meant to or not.

Jason.

He was so determined to fix this for her but she knew he couldn't. The real threat wasn't the Balkan. It was her. And there was only one way to fix that.

She walked over to the desk and pulled out a sheet of paper. She had decided not to leave a note. She didn't want to risk talking herself out of it, but Jason deserved better than that. She had no idea what she would say to him, how she could explain it. But she had to tell him something. She had to try to make him understand that this was the only way. She knew that Jason would blame himself and that was the last thing she wanted.

_Jason,_

_I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. There is nothing I can possibly say to let you know just how grateful I am for everything you have done for me. But you can't fix this. Not this time. This isn't your fault. It's just the way is has to be. Trust me, it's for the best. _

_I hope you find all the happiness you deserve._

_All my love._

_Brenda_

She set the note down on the nightstand and poured some whiskey into a tumbler. She shook out a few pills from the bottle and washed them down with the whiskey. She shook out a few more and repeated the process until most of the pills and half of the whiskey bottle was gone.

She put the glass down and lay back on the bed.

She felt numb, weightless, like she was floating and she finally closed her eyes as a single tear made its way down her cheek.

THE END


End file.
